I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
