I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
