guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
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I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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