I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
