it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
