You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
