He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
