So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
