I cannot find my penis.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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