So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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