finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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