dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
