Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
