What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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