It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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