just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
