We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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