I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
