Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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