So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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