Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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