at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
