Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
