I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
