new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You are a genius and a whore.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
