I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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