2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
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When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
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i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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