Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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