its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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