Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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