I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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