my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
