I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
