so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
