Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
