dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
