So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
did i walk over a car last night?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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