I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Randomize
