you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
