I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
