i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
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I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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