whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
