We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
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Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
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So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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