come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
