so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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