What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
