i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
