piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
