Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize