is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
