I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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