i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
