My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
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You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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