The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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