there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
