dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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