I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
