I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
