I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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