my mouth tastes like poor choices
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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