Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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