why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
